A Miracle In The Making

To The Mama I’ve Always Compared Myself To

Here’s to the women whose journey to motherhood has looked “easy” and magical. The ones who everything “seemed” to fall into place for, without struggle or pain. The ones I’ve compared myself to over the years. The truth is, I know your journey wasn’t without heartache and difficulty. I have no clue what you walked through to get to where you are today. So, dear mama, I see you and honor you for the story you have lived out, though it may be different from mine. There is a strength you offer me as I follow behind you on this journey. There is hope for me when I see you with your promises fulfilled.

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What if we chose to celebrate others instead of compare ourselves to them? That’s hard to do because it takes the focus off of us and puts it on someone else. And when you are struggling, you very much want the focus to be on you.

But, comparison is such a thief. I truly believe it is one of the enemy’s greatest unsuspecting weapons. Because when I spend all my time looking at you and all that you have and asking a million “whys”, I take my eyes off of Him. I start to question my worth or the value of my story. I completely forget about my history with Him. I lose my ability to trust. And my joy and peace are drained out of me.

That’s a downward spiral I have been on that I don’t wish to repeat.

When that light at the end of the tunnel is a fluorescent bulb

What do you do when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel only to discover that it wasn’t the sun, or the promise of fresh air. Instead, it was one of those gross, fluorescent lights like in a poorly lit office building, flickering and giving you a headache. You reach it only to realize you’re still in the tunnel, you haven’t quite reached the end of the journey. The darkness is still very present, and so your only choices are to stay where you are or keep going because you know eventually you’ll reach the light at the end.

What do you do when you think your promise is (after waiting and waiting and waiting some more) FINALLY being fulfilled only to find out that it’s actually not?

How do you keep from feeling like you are the punch line of a joke that’s being told over and over? Or like what you’ve prayed for is being dangled from a string in front of your face…always just out of reach….exhausting you with the chase?

I don’t really know, honestly. I don’t have the answers. But man have I been there. Over and over again. And the truth is, if what you believe about God is skewed and incorrect, you will think that He’s the one dangling your promises in front of you on a string. Just waiting for you to be better, do better, pray more, or be more righteous before He finally allows you to grasp it. You’ll think He is doing this to you “for your own good”. Or you’ll think He’s cold, distant, and just simply doesn’t care.

I feel like I’ve spent the better part of 8 years unraveling what I thought about who God was and what He thought about me. It’s been a process of letting Him show me who He really is. It all boils down to two simple truths that I now filter everything through:

He is good. I am loved.

This is my story

“I’m a picture of your faithfulness, a miracle in process. God I never would have guessed that you were working in the darkness.” – Amanda Cook, Before and After

song link below

Justin and I had infertility struggles from the beginning, and we really had no clue why. We had waited to have sex, and had been so rigid with boundaries during our relationship, honestly probably more out of some religious duty. Although I’m an advocate and believer in purity and wholeness in relationships, we both look back on some of our decisions and wish we would’ve done things differently. Or even had the relationship and connection to a father and mother that we do today that could’ve guided us. It felt as if pregnancy would be a miracle for us when the time came. But when you’re newly weds and just having fun, you aren’t really thinking about babies(or at least we weren’t) so we didn’t care.

As years passed and all of our friends started to have children, we were ready to become parents too.

That’s where adoption came in. We weren’t sure if we would ever conceive naturally, but we always talked about adopting. And we were surrounded by such an incredible church family here in South Carolina that loved adoption. We knew we were ready. Most of our friends had “quick” adoption stories, that seemed to happen super fast.(Although we never fully know the length of someone’s journey). So we assumed ours would be the same way.

In December 2019, our home study was approved and we were ready to begin to see cases. We were PUMPED. But then, crickets. It was quiet. We would get a case maybe every several weeks and none of them felt right. OR we would say yes, only to be told no. (which means the birth mother chose another family).

Then, COVID. It got reaaalllly quiet. The world was shut down. We got a case every few months that year. And we had no idea why it was taking so long.

I remember sharing with someone that we weren’t desperate. And that was true. We would always prayerfully consider each case. We said no a lot. But we also said yes too, only to receive a no back. Those always made me feel a tiny sting of rejection. But then I would remember that a no for me was a yes for someone else, and that would make me smile, knowing one day our yes would come.

Fast forward to December 2020, a year after we were approved. We received a case and I just KNEW. We both did. I felt it so strongly I couldn’t contain it. The case was so vague. We didn’t even know if the baby was a boy or girl (which was big for us because we had been praying for a girl). But my heart instantly connected to the birth mom, and I wanted to say yes to her. We knew that this was our time, this had to be it. The baby was due in 3 weeks, around Christmas, and we felt so confident that the mom was going to choose us. It was perfect in so many ways.

A few days later we were given the news: she chose another family. To this day we aren’t even sure if she was actually shown our profile. Another agency was involved and she chose one of their families. I was heartbroken. We both stood in our kitchen and cried. We had come so close, and I FELT it. Like, I had such a strong feeling that this was it. Everyone always told me I would know when it was right. I thought I knew. But it didn’t work out.

Now what? Is He withholding from me? I know He’s good, but do I believe that?

2021 passed slowly in the adoption world for us. Not a lot of movement. Cases here and there, but nothing happening. We decided to jump in with another agency, and we started that process. We were coming up on our SECOND year of having to renew all of our home study paper work. That was always disheartening.

In November we were presented with a case that we were closely connected to already. We immediately said yes and began to make plans. But, by February, everything with that case had changed, and although it was good, right and beautiful, it was still hard to process. My heart had already become attached. I told Justin that I didn’t want to reach back out to our case worker yet to begin seeing more cases. I just felt like a deflated balloon, and knew I needed some time. I was tired of keeping my heart open. I was tired of saying yes over and over again.

Does He not think I’m good enough to be a mom? Is He trying to teach me a lesson? (There’s that string again, dangling my promise in front of my face)

This is where it gets wild and crazy.

One week after that situation changed, I found out I was pregnant.

Yes, you read that right. PREGNANT.

Me – Pregnant. After being married for 7 years, and questioning whether or not it would actually happen, here I was standing in a miracle. We were overwhelmed. We couldn’t believe it.

I’ll never forget my first ultrasound. We sat there in awe. I was only 6 weeks so we weren’t able to hear the heartbeat but we could see it. The nurses were so excited with us, especially when we told them this was my first pregnancy and our whole journey with adoption. We went out to breakfast afterwards and started making all the plans. We couldn’t wait to tell people. This was our promise fulfilled, our miracle. Our wait was over. We were finally going to be a mom and dad.

Two weeks later, the heartbeat was gone. Our baby had not grown, and had slipped back into the arms of Abba. My nightmare was my reality. Weeks up to this point I had fought against fear and lies telling me that this baby would slip from my grasp too, like all the others. My mind had been such a battlefield. And then my fears were true.

Is He good? Does He actually love me?

Why? What did I do wrong? Why is this so hard for us? Why can’t this be easy like how it’s been for our friends? I was comparing myself HARD to everyone else. I was feeling less than. That old lie that used to tell me He didn’t love me as much as He loved others started to creep back in. You know the thoughts, the questions brought on by sadness and grief. That weekend was one of the hardest and most painful of my life.

I felt like the rug was continually being pulled out from under me. Rejection. Loss. It was too much. I was done. I was tired.

BUT, I wasn’t hopeless. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel defeated. I laid in my bed the next day, feeling all of the physical and emotional pain of the situation, and instead of bitterness, out of my heart flowed thanksgiving.

I bet you are like “What?!?!” How the heck could that be? I was shocked too. But in that moment I was thankful for the miracle that our baby was, the promise that our baby gave us for the future. Something that, only a few months before we thought would never happen, was now real and possible.

I put on worship music and I cried. I grieved and I let Him sit with me in it. I felt stripped all the way down to my foundation of what I actually believed. That was all I had left to stand on. But I had done the work. I had let Him renew my mind and teach me about who He truly was as a Father. And my simple truths were solid.

He is good. I am loved.

Even when….

“Even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me for you already have!” Psalm 23: 4

Even in a dark night of the soul, I believed that He was still good, and He loved me just as much as He loved His son, Jesus (John 17:23). I remember singing the song “You are good” in a service a couple weeks later and leaning over to Justin with tears streaming down my face. Not because I was sad (even though I was), not because I was mad and unsure, but because I truly believed in my heart all the words I was singing.

Our process and recent struggles are still very fresh and real to me. I’m still in the middle of it all. But I’m hope-filled and at peace, even in the sad moments. I can feel Him here with me. And my prayer is that if you find yourself in the middle of a dark night, if you’re still in that tunnel waiting for the light, you will feel Him there with you. If you’re still needing those truths to become real to you, that you would have the courage to start the journey to understand His goodness and your own beloved identity.

He is good and you are loved.

To Be Continued….

Because our story isn’t over.

Some favorite verses

I don’t have it all together, but I’m thankful for the journey I have been on with the Lord that has lead me to fully diving in to my own beloved identity as His child, and how deeply He loves me. If you’re on that journey, here are some of my favorite verses to meditate on.

You live fully in me and now I live fully in them so that they will experience perfect unity, and the world will be convinced that you have sent me, for they will see that you love each one of them with the same passionate love that you have for me. - John 17:23 

If you, imperfect as you are, know how to lovingly take care of your children and give them what's best, how much more ready is your heavenly Father to give wonderful gifts to those who ask him? - Matthew 7:11

Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. - Matthew 11:28

Read all of Romans 8. It's amazing. "Nothing in the universe has the power to diminish His love toward us"

Psalm 139. "You know everything there is to know about me" The whole chapter is so good.

Watch Amanda Cook’s video of Before and After here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd4_7JtmqNc