To The Mama Whose Arms Are Empty

By Jessica Ball

Another month, another negative pregnancy test.

The anger, the hopelessness, the despair. It was so so real.

At the time I was in ministry. I was devoting my life to the “call”, proclaiming God’s goodness and faithfulness every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. Yet, there I was, holding another negative test.

Is He really who I thought? Or, was it all a fairytale, too good to be true? 

Our Beginning

My husband, Michael, and I got married pretty young, at 22 and 21. It was a rough start for us, but by the end of the first year, we were better. We decided to start trying to have kids. I was beyond excited. All I’d ever wanted was to be a mommy. I had taken care of children for as long as I could remember, babysitting and even nannying full time. It was finally my turn. . .my turn to be a mom. 

I never imagined the road that lay ahead of us. Growing up with the fear of sex and the outcome of an unwanted pregnancy, trained my mind to believe that all it takes is one time.

Maybe for some, but not me.

After trying every month for a year with no results, I finally decided to go to the doctor. After she ran some tests, she diagnosed me with PCOS – polycystic ovary syndrome. Over 75% of my ovaries was covered in small cysts. My doctor looked at me and told me it would be impossible for me to get pregnant without medical intervention. I was 23, young and naive. I was devastated. 

We tried some procedures to help with the PCOS. The second one nearly killed me. Michael and I decided that we would rely solely on God to give us a child. I remember multiple nights waking up with Michael’s hand on my belly praying healing over me. Always saying – “these signs shall follow those who believe “.

We believed. We had given all of ourselves to serving His church. Why wasn’t He answering our prayers? 

Another year passed. . .

And still, no baby. My sister and sister in law both had babies. All my friends were having babies. And yet, our arms were still empty. So much disappointment. I was beginning to break. I kept my calendar full. Busyness was my companion. I couldn’t sit still or be quiet, because then, the pain would hit. The doubt would creep in, and I couldn’t let that happen. I was, after all, a worship leader. I sang in front of hundreds of people every week, telling them how good Jesus is. Deep down I didn’t believe it. He was good to everyone else but me. 

We decided to take a weekend trip to a conference, where a man, who is now a spiritual father to us, was speaking. There are so many details to that weekend, it would be too much to write. God led us there, and I received my healing. At an altar call, one of the leaders at this conference came up to Michael and I with the word of knowledge that I had a barren womb, and Jesus wanted to heal me. He prayed over us. I felt like I was finally seen. I was finally heard. 

We came back home from that trip in awe. A month later, and I finally got the positive test I had been longing for. I was shocked to say the least. Beyond excited! We told everyone! I was healed! The Lord has given us a baby! 

I was about 8 weeks along, when we miscarried.

The dream was lost. The reality that I would never be a mom, was so real. There are no words to describe the anguish my heart felt. Why would everyone else, even those who are living lawless, with no regards to the Father, be given such a precious gift, and our arms still stay empty?! I felt like I was at a crossroad. Give up, or hold onto hope.

I Chose Hope

Though the choice was not easy, nor was it what I wanted to do. I chose it anyway. I studied the life of Mary the mother of Jesus, because I knew, that if He could cause a virgin to conceive, then He could me too. I chose to cling to His promise. I would be a mother. I didn’t know what it would look like, or when it would happen, but I knew it would.

Another year of trying passed again. But this year was different. We had some major life changes and stepped down from full time ministry. We left the church (system) we were in, and started the journey of the wilderness. Some look at the wilderness as a terrible place to be. But, with the right perspective, you’ll find it’s the place that leads you to the promised land. 

I found out in February of 2013 that I was pregnant with our Abigail Grace. Of course I was scared and nervous that I would lose her too, but I didn’t.  He indeed fulfilled His promise to us. Her life is a miracle, and because she was given to me, I have a constant reminder of His goodness. We have 3 children now. 8, 7, and 4. Our arms are full, and no longer empty. 

Choose hope. Even when everything in you denies His goodness, choose hope. My story is your promise. If He did it for me, He will do it for you. Cling to the comforter, hold onto His peace. It’s not an easy choice to make, I know, especially if you are walking through disappointment. None of it is wasted, and it will all lead to good, even if you can’t see it now. 

 “Great favor is upon you, for you have believed every word spoken to you from the Lord.”

Luke 1:45

• 

To the mama whose arms are empty: 

Hey Mama I see you
As you sink down to the floor
Yesterday’s hope, now today’s sorrow
A broken heart, a closed door

Hey there, Mama, I see you
As you pack away their things
There is joy in the midst of sadness 
And peace in the midst of the sting

It’s ok, Mama, I see you
I know you don’t understand
It may look like a mess, but come and rest
Goodness will always win

Hey sweet Mama, I see you
Know that this is not the end
Beauty can bloom from ashes
And unexpected doors can open.